im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
