Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
