I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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