plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you win again, gameday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
