Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
