its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
