you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
