I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
