he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
