My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
