I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
