I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
