i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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