I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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