I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
