you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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