I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
