I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
