Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
