wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
