Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
