I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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