I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
