Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
