if you like me you must not know who I am
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize