There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
