masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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