maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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