My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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