If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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