i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
