im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
