Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
