Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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