Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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