Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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