my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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