Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
