someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
