as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
