What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
