Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My vagina is officially offended.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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