Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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