Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
