we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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