i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
