we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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