She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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