Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
