NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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