Got a toothbrush?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
