The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
