96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
