there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
