i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
