So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
