I wish life had little blips of pornography
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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