It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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