my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
