my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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