I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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