I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
