Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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